Why So Many of Us Feel 'Flat' in Our 30s and 40s – and What to Do About It

Over the course of my career this is something that I have heard a lot. A person has a career, a house, maybe children, all the things that were expected of them. Yet still they find themselves asking “why do I feel a kind of flatness” or “what is missing from my life”.  It often doesn’t feel like a full blown crisis, a quiet feeling, a sense of “is this it?”. 

So why does this happen and what can you do about it?

What is “Flatness” and what it could mean.

Feeling flat is hard to put into words. It doesn’t necessarily mean you are unhappy or depressed but equally you might find yourself feeling disconnected from yourself, tired in a way that sleep doesn’t fix, a bit numb. You may have found yourself binge-watching TV shows in the evening because you don’t have the headspace for much else or being on auto-pilot. Life can feel a bit…meh. In my experience as therapist this emotional flatness is very common. Your body is telling you something and asking to be noticed.

Why can this happen?

For most people life up until their 30’s and 40’s has been about learning, trying things out and experimenting. The beginnings of middle age can be seen as the time when you are supposed to know what you are doing and have everything worked out Some reasons people give for feeling flat are: 

• Life has become a routine.
• The goals achieved did not bring the feeling that was hoped for.
• Doing a lot for others but losing touch with your own wants and needs.
• There are unprocessed emotions under the surface that need space.
• Asking themselves bigger questions around meaning, identity and purpose and not having clear answers.

We live in society in the UK that encourages us to look away from what is going on for us, that promotes stoicism and to “Keep Calm and Carry On”. That may be fine in times of war or great adversity, but when life is not like this it can lead to suppressing our emotions and reduce our resilience and support for dealing with life’s challenges. In the UK, “I’m fine” can mean anything from “I’m great” to “I’m totally disconnected from myself”.

What can help?

Buy something to make you happy…just kidding. Although doing this may help in the short term it might not help you to re connect to yourself. Try to view the feeling of flatness not as problem but as an invitation that you are ready to come back into contact with yourself. It’s about honouring the part of you that doesn’t want to perform for the world around you, the part of you that is energised and alive. 

• Start noticing when the flatness shows up, become curious, rather than judging it.
• Ask yourself small, open questions like: What do I need right now? What am I feeling? What am I avoiding feeling?
• Make room for moments that nourish you — not because they’re “productive” but because they help you feel more like you.
• Talk to someone. Not because something’s wrong, but because something wants to shift.

This is where Gestalt Therapy can be really useful (as a Gestalt Therapist I am biased). Gestalt is not about labelling you or giving you a set of techniques to try. It’s about creating space to slow down and notice what is happening in your body, in your relationships and your day to day life. It gives you time to explore what it’s like to be you, where you might feel stuck, what parts of you haven’t had a voice for a while. From that awareness, change can start to happen. 

You don’t have to figure it all out at once. But you can start by getting curious, by slowing down, and by letting yourself be real.